User:Leucosticte/Log

This is a log of modes of operation and production. It used to measure, among other things, for suicide. Now it's just a regular diary. It's also a conversation I carry on with myself.

Legend
The four modes of operation are emotional and cognitive states. I believe that it is generally possible for me to accurately determine what mode I am in with a precision of .5 mode. Thus, for example, mode 2.5 would be halfway between modes 2 and 3. Since the possible moods are 1, 1.5, 2, 2.5, 3, 3.5, and 4, really there are seven possible moods. I've thought that I might use 1.5 to indicate being in high spirits (and working, if need be) and to 2.5 to indicate being in low spirits (but working, if need be). Or I might get rid of mode 1 altogether, since it overlaps with mode 2 and incorporates some happiness- rather than work-related stuff. Happiness is harder to measure.

Generally, a scale like this should measure only one attribute (in this case, ability to work). There are a lot of pitfalls to trying to measure two or more attributes at a time (as is evident from ). Cases can arise in which one criterion would put something in one category, while another criterion would put it in another, so that it doesn't fit into any of the categories cleanly. The same problem arises with the. Note however that dual-scaled axes can sometimes work.

Notice that theoretically, modes 1 and 2 are working modes, and modes 3 and 4 are non-working modes. Actually, though, this isn't always true; it's possible to be as unproductive (from a software development standpoint) in modes 1 and 2 as in 3 or 4, because I get distracted with non-software-development stuff; but usually the "get busy living or get busy dying" mentality pushes me onward toward work eventually when I'm in modes 1 or 2.

Also notice that modes 1, 2 and 3 are above-the-line and mode 4 is below-the-line, to use the "margin" terminology. In modes 1, 2 and 3, I often realize that in all likelihood, I'll find myself in another state of suicidal depression later, but I live for the day, hoping (like, as he was depicted in legend) to get as much done while I still can. In mode 4, I have a view that is the mirror-image of that; I realize that I will probably feel better later, but I prefer to die, feeling that it's not worth living if I have to periodically deal with that mood.

In modes 3 and 4, I'm often dismayed or troubled by something specific. Once I resolve the issue, I may return to modes 1 or 2. Or I may get used to what is troubling me and accept it as a newly normal part of life that I can deal with. The dissatisfaction may linger in the background, perhaps making me less happy than I would have been, and usually coming back into the foreground the next time I find myself back in modes 3 or 4.

Quotations
"What a horrible night to have a curse." — "If at any point Mr. Hyde reaches Dr. Jekyll's location, a bolt of lightning strikes him, killing him instantly. Therefore, the objective of the game is to advance as far as possible as Dr. Jekyll and to transform back as soon as possible as Mr. Hyde." —

Log
The log lists the highest and lowest mode experienced that day and what was accomplished. Note that "low" doesn't mean in low spirits; it means numerically low.

January
<!--

February
<!--{|class="wikitable" !rowspan = "2" | Date !colspan = "2" | Mode !rowspan = "2" | Notes !Low !High
 * 1
 * 2
 * 2
 * Was going to write to Nathan Wheatley, but got distracted by all that human trafficking stuff. See miseswiki:User:Leucosticte/Human trafficking
 * 2
 * 2
 * 2
 * I don't really feel like working today. I just want to get high and watch movies or something. But, I have no weed, so I guess I have to develop software instead. However, just think of typing in https://en.inclupedia.org/wiki/Whatever someday!
 * 3
 * 2
 * 2
 * Revived myself with some grapefruit juice. Well, I need to clean the bathroom and vacuum my room today and sell that pressure cooker. I'm thinking, have I reached a point of quasi-contentment in which my drive and ambition have gone away? One of the worst traps to fall into, in programming, I think, is to take a break from the work for a few days, then forget where you left off or how to proceed further, and sit at the computer and get distracted by other stuff. So, sometimes it's helpful to get up, walk around, and ponder it until the solution presents itself. Letters to Ed and Terry also should go out. Need to get some stamps as well. Anyway, what was sent was labelled potassium formate. ¶I just have to remember that life will get worse unless I do something. It's not just a matter of wanting to improve my life from where it is now; I have to take action just to keep my life at the current quality. As Henry Hazlitt put it, "For profits may not only go to zero, they may quickly turn into losses; and a man will put forth greater efforts to save himself from ruin than he will merely to improve his position." ¶I was thinking, creating Inclupedia is like making a baby — it wouldn't work if you were taking breaks every few minutes to use Facebook or Gmail. (For purposes of this analogy, we will assume the absence of pre-ejaculate and premature ejaculation.) You have to spend some time alone with the one you love in order to make it. In this case, the computer (or maybe Komodo Edit or MediaWiki) is like my wife, and the Inclupedia (or MirrorTools) is like the offspring.
 * 4
 * 2
 * 3
 * Now that it appears I won't be killing myself, I guess this log can return to its original function of being about my code development progress. So, today I decided that Inclupedia revisions, recentchanges, etc. should start at 1 trillion. Then I realized what a pain in the ass that would be, considering how many places in the code reference those fields. I was about to file this bug: "Change page_id, rev_id and rc_id from int to bigint. Currently enwiki's rev_id and rc_id are at or close to 600 million and page_id has passed 40 million; the limit will be reached at around 4.2 billion. Therefore, these primary keys should be changed from unsigned int to unsigned bigint, which has a limit of about 18 quintillion." Anyway, this is me: http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2223 I have to create my own reality, because in this one, I'm just a fuckin' pawn, dude! I need to be a king.
 * 5
 * 2
 * 2
 * One way to keep morale up is probably to just get the project working and let it break/fail; then I'll be scrambling to put out the fire and there'll be more motivation. I think I'm going to start limiting my coffee consumption as well; in large doses, it seems to be counterproductive toward concentration. ¶It's kinda lame that every time I get out I have to start from scratch. I look at my code and think, "What was that all about?" But what was the alternative? Okay, I'm putting a time lock on Facebook. I'll go back there only after I knock off work for the day, unless I need to retrieve something. I think the next time that Alyah mentions money problems, or Frank's chintziness in particular, I think I'll suggest that she have him pay her for marriage. ¶I feel disqualified from running for office or from holding any kind of position of responsibility in a libertarian (or any other) organization; see User:Leucosticte/Leadership of organizations‎. However, I can still submit code. That's about it. Why code? Because insanity is not believed to extend to programming, but only to political ideas. Remember polylogism; it's only applicable in the political realm! Also, technicians are scarce, so you have to take even the insane one sometimes. I also wrote User:Leucosticte/Facebook message to Kevin. ¶That situation with Frank was quite the train wreck and clusterfuck. I wish I'd never sent the email with the proposal to Alyah, or had that phone conversation with Frank. I'm done with this co-founder shit. Either I make Inclupedia happen on my own, or it won't happen.
 * 6
 * 1.5
 * 2
 * Feeling pretty good today. Making some progress. Running into some BS with ints that should have been unsigned, but oh well.
 * 7
 * 1.5
 * 2
 * I guess in keeping with the concept of the hedonic treadmill, if I'm going to feel this happy permanently, I should consider it mode 2 rather than 1.5. Perhaps earlier, I was really in mode 2.5 but mislabelled it 2. I'm not sure. If I could, I'd call this 1.75. Wrote a more-or-less useless extension, mw:Extension:InvadePrivacy, and started the process of figuring out what fields need to be changed in order to make everything unsigned bigints. Couldn't figure out, by day's end, why rev_page was still acting weird. Guess I'll check it out later.
 * 8
 * 1.5
 * 1.5
 * I kinda wish I weren't going to the LPVA Convention, since I feel ready to get to work, but I guess I'll have the opportunity tomorrow. It's another reason not to go to these things. Actually, though, it turned out to be pretty good.
 * 9
 * 1.5
 * 1.5
 * So I guess this is the new normal. I'm going to arbitrarily establish quarter-point gradations, because I'm just cool like that. So will 1.75 become the new 1.5? I dunno. Eh, maybe I won't establish it.
 * 10
 * 2.5
 * 2.5
 * Feeling kinda lazy today. Got my 64-bit Ubuntu installation going, but lost all my bookmarks; I forgot about those. I talked to my mom about her possible campaign; it's hard to say if she's a libertarian. I guess it was slightly demoralizing when Brian Wolff said what he did, but at least I got a response. Better to know now than later.
 * 11
 * 2
 * 2
 * Today is some bullshit. LPVA is mostly dormant, and I'm stuck here trying to get SSH working again. Upgrades suck. Anyway, I lost my desire to work any further on this stuff, after submitting 112825. It was kind of a useless change that made me feel like a loser.
 * 12
 * 2
 * 2
 * Already the day is exhibiting the same pattern as usual. Anyhoo, I am determined that tomorrow I will get that MS Access database updated and get the LPVA website completely up-to-date with all requests fulfilled.
 * 13
 * 1.5
 * 2
 * Wrote the Miscellany:Nathan Larson 2014.02.13 letter to Chris Wenzlick. I thought it turned out pretty well. I also wrote the files to convert fields to bigint unsigned, and then wished I'd automated the process. Not sure why I didn't think of that from the get-go, since it was about 40 files. Well, tomorrow it'll be time to work on the pullbot, I guess.
 * 14
 * 1.5
 * 2
 * Troubleshooting code has been difficult. The database was complaining of null values.
 * 15
 * 2
 * 3
 * Well, 26122 was quite a train wreck. Let's see what Mattflaschen comes up with. Sometimes I just want to say, Fuck collaboration. I started branching out from Inclupedia into other parts of the codebase, but I seem to just be making a lot of enemies. ¶Man, what a botched code review I just did on 113525. That was freakin' horrible, and yet another embarrassment. It pretty much killed my morale. ¶So, I guess it's time to mostly write off Drake as a friend. Well, friends come and friends go. I guess Wheatley's the new one. ¶What the fuck is up with this day starting as a "2"? I'm thinking that must have been before that train wreck. ¶In the wake of writing Essay:Anarcho-communism, I took a few puffs of a cigar and then thought, "I shouldn't even be smoking this. If I'm going to rule out suicide as an option, as it seems that I have, then I might as well prepare for a relatively long life, and that includes taking care of myself so that I don't have a heart attack someday." So I put it out. ¶I still haven't figured out if there's any possibility I could leave any sort of decent life if Inclupedia fails (or if I fail to create it, which is the more plausible scenario). My standard of "decent" has greatly fallen recently. I might as well ask, "Can I hold any kind of job at all?" I am in many ways lacking in common sense, I make a lot of mistakes (socially and otherwise), and I'm pretty lazy. I could, perhaps, barely hang on to a bottom-rung job, but even that's questionable. Maybe the only reason anyone put up with me at those retail or dishwashing jobs I worked at was that they figured I'd only be there temporarily, since I was a student. The tax place was a temporary gig too; it's not clear whether I would have been rehired the next year. I suppose that if I were to find myself in a situation in which I needed to get a job, I should probably kill myself, since I would be doomed to repeatedly get fired every few months (if that long). But arguably I should kill myself right now; the question is whether I'd be capable of it. I'm not at all sure. Experience tells me that I may very well not be, and that at any rate I'm a pretty poor judge of what suicidal stuff I'll be capable of. But in the past I didn't have pentobarbital, and I've only had it for a short time. Hmm, I guess we'll just have to see how it plays out. ¶I should probably quit Facebook for the same reasons that I should quit smoking. Of course, Facebook is my only outlet if I actually want to hear back from people, for the most part. Then again, I think it's also been contributing to causing my computer to crash. Probably when/if I get drunk, I'll end up going back to it as a source of entertainment. I wonder how much I need entertainment, though. Could I subsist on just the bliki as my means of self-expression? Hmm. ¶It's good to quit CorrLinks too. Really, it's better to just communicate by letter with prisoners; CorrLinks deletes stuff after 30 days, which is pretty annoying. As for Facebook, I can create a sidebar thing of stuff to post on Facebook later. That's acceptable. ¶Why do I have trouble motivating myself some days, I wonder? Is it because I deceive myself into thinking I can just wait until life gets really bad, and then kill myself? Hmm, that self-deception, if it exists, may be on shaky ground at this point. I have to prepare myself for the possibility that it is indeed self-deception. Sometimes it is hard to do programming because it requires the whole brain, rather than just half the brain. So, I can't be thinking about other stuff and still program; I end up stalled while I wait for (mental) resources to become available. ¶Well, it looks like it's going to be a pain in the ass trying to get that LPVA database to work. That fucking sucks. Maybe if I uninstall MS Office, then reinstall it. Maybe I can transfer the downloaded files from my mom's computer. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan. Well, today I made zero progress toward debugging MirrorTools, but there's always tomorrow. I see that Drake sent a message by CorrLinks, but I made a note in my calendar not to read it until mid-March, when the 30-day deadline approaches. Then I'll grab everything off of there and store it in Nathania, and maybe not even read it. In fact, I could do that right now. But let me procrastinate first, and see how things play out. I can always just keep checking it once a month. I can even wait till he drops me of his own accord. ¶I guess what bothers me about the whole thing is that he's basically saying that I can't talk to him about my problems, which is another way of saying he's not a friend. My problems are not big enough that he considers them real problems, nor is my suffering enough that he would consider it true suffering. He doesn't even put that kind of dissatisfaction in the category of suffering; he was explicit about that. But I have to at least admire his honesty, and give him credit for that. He basically resigned from the office of Friend, and went back to being a mere Acquaintance, which is like stepping down from being Representative to become a mere Citizen. I was tempted to read CorrLinks just a moment ago, to see if he got the money or not, but I figure that I might see something that would trouble me, so I'll wait. He doesn't need the money urgently; he can wait a month. Chances are, it got to him, but who knows with Moneygram? I'd never used them before, and they seem inferior to Western Union. Oh yeah, I can't tell him my feelings either, and he was the one who said that it sucks that guys don't want to hear you talk about your emotions. And yet for all practical purposes, he's the same way. How ironic. ¶Sleeping really is just like a temporary death, and every time you choose to go to sleep immediately, rather than waiting for your body to give out on its own from exhaustion, it's like committing suicide. But people have a tendency to put off death. I think I'll just fall asleep now, though, and wake up refreshed, and maybe go back to work. Or I could stay awake awhile longer, and fix this last bug. Seven minutes till midnight; then I can write the first entry of the new day. I don't like that I didn't write the entry for the 14th until the 15th; that's sort of a breaking of my usual rule. ¶ Well, goodnight.
 * 16
 * 2
 * 2
 * Well, I guess it's time to have that unpleasant phone call with Susan Frank, who should be back from being out-of-state by now. She might argue the law, and I guess I could say that perhaps we should test her theory in court. Of course, then it's up to me to either follow through with that or let her call my bluff, if it is a bluff. Judging from past experience, it may very well be, but who knows. It is cheaper to file a lawsuit at the state level than federally, I think, but I'll have to check on the details, perhaps. I could complain to the Virginia Board, but the reality is that they probably don't give a fuck. ¶So, going back to Drake — basically it would be insincere of him even to say "How are you" because he really doesn't want to hear it. I don't think he does say that, though; he just asks what I'm up to. I wonder how happy he'd be in the situation he described? I mean, it totally wasn't addressed whether it's an issue that even with a lot of resources, one doesn't have a lot of personal freedom in our society. The problem with having friends who I get so attached to is that they end up disappointing me, and I spend a lot of time obsessing over the situation. E.g., consider Zac and all the ink and electrons spilled over that situation. If you go through my notes, you'll see note after note after note about him. I sent him hundreds of TRULINCS/CorrLinks messages, probably. I thought about him every day. That sucked. He probably hardly thinks of me at all. It was amusing what AA had to say about it — he asked if I felt romantically toward him: "You and Zac, was it purely friendship/platonic, or did you have feelings for him? You talk about him more like someone you loved than a friend". I guess I hadn't even thought of it that way. Before (e.g. a couple months ago), such a thing (reflecting on how horrible that situation was, of the dysphoria, frustration, rage, etc. I felt while incarcerated) would have made me think suicidal thoughts; I guess I'm getting out of the habit of going in that direction. I just sent AA a message saying, "I was just going back through some of our old convos and realizing how profound some of the stuff you said was. Sigh, cool people seem to be few and far between. All of my friendships seem to end eventually. It almost makes me not want to get close to people, but it's a moot point because I don't really have anyone to get close to anyway." I was thinking to myself, Drake seems to be one of the few people who is anti-suicide in precisely the way that he is, but the vast majority of people seem anti-suicide in one way or another. ¶When you think about it, caring about other people is an extravagance too; it's unnecessary. Empathy is a first world problem. The lower classes certainly don't give a shit about their incarcerated brethren or anything of that nature; one doesn't see them agitating politically. It's nearly impossible to organize them to do anything. Change tends to come from the upper classes. ¶Well, I see Matt Looper's headed back to federal prison; I guess I'll catch up with them later. I am continuing to debug, and coming ever closer to uncovering the truth. Anyway, if Drake ever wins the lottery, or gets a wife who'll let him be a house-husband, or otherwise ends up in my shoes, then he'll probably discover he has the same problems, if not more problems. He'll still suffer in some way or another. He might find it's not as easy as he thinks it is. Anyhoo, I'm inching ever closer to finding a solution to the database problem. I'm narrowing it down more and more. ¶Browser just crashed again. It didn't even come back up saying that it was embarrassed that it went down like that. Fortunately, I don't think I've lost anything important yet, but maybe it's just a matter of time. ¶I get so tired of people being careful what they say. But there's not much I can do about it. They will continue to censor themselves — for what? Eventually they die, and what do they leave behind? A bunch of self-censored writings. ¶It's funny, I don't feel much desire to go back to Facebook. Nor do I feel the same addiction to music as before. I will always be addicted to writing, though. And working on MirrorTools will always suck. Those two things will never change. Got that database glitch fixed. ¶I guess since I can't kill myself, sleep is a good alternative. I did some work on the LPVA database for Marc, and now he wants me to do more. Arrgh. Plus there's a concern of data collisions. I'd say that it would have been better if I'd never met Drake. The fucked up thing too is, people keep saying stuff like, "You don't even have very much prison time, so what are you complaining about; I'm tired of listening to this" but they kept adding on to it, so in the end, I did have a lot of time. The friendship with Mikey was the same way; I wish it had never happened. Those kinds of people, for the most part, only wreak havoc; they do very little good, and what good they do is outweighed by the bad. Or maybe it's not that they cause havoc, but they trigger havoc. Mikey straight-up caused some havoc (e.g. with the lost notebooks).  still exists, but  is totally absent. So, now I need to come up with a new crew for Template:Randomly featured article. Hmm, I'm not sure who that would be. ¶I was just pondering friendships that I got rid of, or friends who got rid of me. Maybe they needed to get rid of me, and I needed to get rid of them. Maybe I shouldn't regret those losses. E.g., Shaunna N. It's possible I took too much offense at what she said. Hmm, perhaps I was overly sensitive. If so, oops. I wonder if there were other mistakes I made. I'm not sure what to think of that. Perhaps I should just stay away, or maybe come back 10 years later. Nathan S.? I'm not sure what to think of that either, because I don't remember why I got rid of him. Tony F.? I guess that association pretty much had to end too. Who will be the next to fall? ¶I thought to myself, "I'm stuck between not wanting to die and not wanting to live." So, I will live for suicide; I will try to legalize it and make it more readily available, and improve people's understanding of it. That will be my contribution. Suicide is the first priority; then pedosexuality, since one always ways to start with the most marginalized group, since their oppression is the wedge by which the door is opened to inflict tyranny on others. Children's liberation in general will have to go hand in hand with that. Free speech could be considered an even higher priority than all these, though; however, free speech is inextricably connected to property and other rights. So who can really say what the first priority should be?
 * 17
 * 1.5
 * 1.5
 * Funny that Drake said that I was devaluing others' suffering, because I feel the same way about what he was doing. But the great thing about long-term prisoners is that you can drop the friendship without experiencing any consequences. What is he going to do? Be mad at me when he gets out in 2020? He's not even supposed to have any contact with me after he gets out, so it's a moot point. ¶Oops, I forgot to save the record of my last communication to Drake. Oh well. But basically, I told him that a friendship won't work between us; that I think he has good intentions but is causing some bad effects on me; that it's similar to how my sister, with her preaching of the law of attraction, inflicts a lot of annoyance on people; that he needs to find people who will appreciate his message; that I would not ask him to hold his tongue since that would be to ask him to not be true to himself; that I am being honest with him because he was honest with me; etc. Really, it's like firing an employee; you've invested a lot in them, and you can't help but do it with a heavy heart, but sometimes it has to be done. If he is a true narcissist, then he will not accept the possibility that maybe he is in the wrong; he will just lose respect for me, and it will roll off him like the proverbial water off a duck's back (it's okay to use that cliche because I said "proverbial"). It's like the stereotypical (or archetypical?) personality trait of salespeople, cult leaders and leftist activists. Anyway, I saw a terrible essay, Project:Wikipedia is not about YOU, that pretty much reminded me of why it's important to create Inclupedia. I feel kinda bad that maybe Drake will experience some psychological pain because of this. But I don't see any alternative. It had to end. There was nothing I could do.
 * 18
 * 2
 * 2
 * Sigh, another day. It's too bad that it won't be a good day for Drake, or maybe he already got that message. Ugh, it sucks how these things go. I'm just going to try not to think of it. I guess on the bright side, if things got to a point at which he felt the need to write to me in that way, he'd probably had it up to here too. In a way, he kinda pushed me away. So, maybe he won't feel too bad about it. The friendship had run its course; it had followed the usual life cycle of friendships. I feel so much like Jonathan Fabling (Holland "Dutch" Xavier Brown) here, worrying about the havoc and pain I cause in the world. I see that my good buddy, prisoner 36075-013, is back in jail too. Another casualty! Well, this just goes to show that there will always be other prisoners to talk to. There is no shortage! If one pisses me off and I have to cut him loose, there will be others. One thing about me, is that when I'm done with people, I'm pretty much done with them. Hopefully I never need them for anything afterwards, and hopefully I never run into them. E.g., in the case of Nathan S., I needed to buy weed later and he was the only source, so I was pretty much fucked at that point. He was like, "What do you want?" Anyway, tomorrow, it'll be time to make a few more changes to the LPVA database, add some columns, etc. Also, it'll be time to work on that hook stuff with MediaWiki. Should be interesting. Anyway, another reason to stay away from Facebook is that it tends to crash my system. Looks like the Dramatica thing blew over; I kinda figured it would. It's a lot of work to write an article, and in most cases people will deem it not worth the bother. Look at rationalwikiwikiwiki:Abd compared to rationalwikiwikiwiki:Tisane.
 * 19
 * 2
 * 3
 * As libertarian as I am, a part of me says it's just not right (aka it's "unacceptable") that Matt killed himself. What was the point of all that time I spent playing video games and stuff with him? Just for amusement/entertainment? Arrgh. But that just amounts to not being willing to let go and admit failure and defeat. ¶Man, where did the freakin' day go? The usual, I guess. Sometimes I think that I may as well go the way of Matt Ralston, except that I can't. What would happen, though, if I just sat around, did nothing difficult, and waited until I felt like dying? Would that work? I mean, it's as good or better than living, right? But this is all just intellectualizing and backward-rationalizing what's really an emotional issue. Welcome to Threeland, baby. ¶I could just resign myself to my likely future and say, "You will never have sex again; you will never create Inclupedia; you will probably never run for office again; you will never start a wiki that has more than one user who stays around; you will just remain in obscurity." I didn't even have more than one moment in which I took a principled stand. I had one such moment, and then it was over. And you saw the comments that people left. ¶I could say, "If you do that, then they win." But who is the "they"? Isn't it the majority, rather than just a dominant minority faction? In fact, doesn't even the minority conform to the majority? It's all very Thoreauvian. ¶I'm glad I got rid of Drake, because I was tired of his attitude. I could read The Fountainhead, but it would probably be depressing. It's all about building great things, which is a task I don't feel up to anymore. I feel like just lying around doing nothing. I don't even have any weed, so it's like I'm a pothead without the pot. ¶So anyway, suppose it does mean that they win, if I do nothing, and just wash dishes in the back of a restaurant for the rest of my life. What's the significance? If you're obscure enough, then hardly anyone knows you're a loser. But you do still have your co-workers and family and a few others who know, and you do run into those people occasionally, so life does suck. Really, suicide is the best option, but I can't do it. Not yet, anyway. How can I get to a point of being able to? Hmm. What is really holding me back? Is there something that I look forward to in my daily experience; those little moments of joy or amusement? Is that all I live for? What about when life gets more unpleasant; will I be able to die then? ¶"If they win" — what does it mean for the majority to win? Why should I care? Why am I not right now washing my hands of humanity's destiny and drinking the pentobarbital? I'm washing my hands of it anyway by doing nothing. Why is it so much worse to die than to do nothing? What happened to ? It's worth asking, "Who wins if Inclupedia isn't created?" Or more to the point, "Who wins if I don't create Inclupedia?" Does the government win? Does the government care? Do the statists, or the mainstream, etc. care? Would they care if they knew about it? What does any of it matter? ¶I've asked it before, but the question remains, why bother serving those who did not and would not stand up for my freedom of speech? Why should I work hard to give them a means of self-expression? What would be the point? Why not let them do it themselves?
 * 20
 * 2
 * 3
 * Wow, where did the time go. ¶What could be more pathetic than Threeland? It's 3.0, right on the dot. Not 3.5, verging on suicide; not 2.5, somewhat unhappy but mildly productive, but right here in the meh zone. I was thinking, Drake might do a BP-199 and cut me a check for the $100 I recently sent him. That would be a way of saying, If you're going to cut off our friendship, then take your filthy lucre with you. But it would be so unlike an anarcho-communist to do that, since they think that any money I might have, being in my privileged situation, is better distributed to the more needy. So I guess I don't have to worry about that outcome, although I could use that money to pay down my credit cards a little bit more. ¶Okay, feeling better now. Sleep definitely revived me, as usual. But, within a few hours, I was already in non-productivity mode. In the past, I would have edited Wikipedia at times like this, but that option is gone. It's all right; editing Wikipedia can be a stressful experience anyway. The fact that I'm banned just goes to show how incompatible I am with that community. Tomorrow's the anniversary of Matt's death. I guess once you hit the one-year mark, everything is the same after that. Where was I a year ago? Sitting in a cell with somebody or another, maybe feeling suicidal myself. Probably not. This was probably shortly after D-Papers era, so I was with either Maniac or Troy, or maybe that kid who was Troy's successor, or maybe Felix C. Either way, life sucked during that time. If I ever go back to prison, next time I'll be sure to record the date ranges for when I have various cellies, for purposes such as these. Anyway, what was Matt doing a year ago? Probably contemplating suicide, or maybe he'd already decided on it, and it was just a matter of getting some alone time and borrowing the gun. Suppose I'd been made aware, in my prison cell, that this was going on. All I could have done was ask the guard for the phone (if my phone privileges hadn't been taken away, which they probably had) and asked to call my mom and get an urgent message to Matt saying "Don't do it till you communicate with me." But such communications would have been long and drawn out, and he probably would have lost patience. ¶And what about on the 21st? Who knows what I was doing when that shot rang out. I think during that time, I was living on a knife's edge between social inhibition and physical need, being pulled in either direction from time to time. It was miserable. Strange to think that Matt, "I guess you know about Hunter S. Thompson, and his death." Today is the 9th anniversary of Thompson's shooting himself in the head. ¶I can see why people would resort to prostitution because it really is easier than working, I'd guess, when you take it to the extreme. E.g., it's hard to motivate myself to write the code to implement Inclupedia, but if someone were to say, "Suck my cock and I'll implement Inclupedia," and I had reason to believe he'd keep his word, I guess I'd probably do it, even if it were black cock. I'd even swallow his load if that were what it took. ¶It seems to me that heavy pot smoking is more likely to be a result rather than a cause of lacking much motivation. I guess it's just as well, in a way, that I don't have any weed, because my mom's not really all that 420-friendly, and I'd have to worry about making sure I didn't smell like pot, or otherwise make it evident that I was using it. But I can drink coffee and alcohol and smoke tobacco if I want. Go figure. At this point, pot's illegality doesn't even matter that much, except to people like my mom who want to always make sure they're not doing anything illegal. It's hard to even function in this life without breaking laws. ¶In a way, I kinda miss the pre-pentobarbital days because, for at least a few days at a time, I believed that I could terminally dehydrate myself. But that usually wasn't a pleasant experience anyway, and I always ended up reviving myself, so what was the point?
 * 21
 * 2
 * 3
 * So, yesterday went the same as just about all other days. Created a few Facebook groups; that was about it. Now it's time to sleep. I almost thought that I might stay up awhile longer and work on the spreadsheets, but fuck it; why bother? I'm not getting paid for that shit. ¶Got that database project out of the way. Also dumped Mikey. I notice that I didn't get any letter from Drake; either it was held up in the mail or he got my message and decided not to send the letter. Really what I need right now is a bullet to the head, to end this life, because what else is there? What is there left that needs to happen in my life for it to be complete? But there's intellectual readiness and emotional readiness. It doesn't look like I'll be psychologically able to make it happen. It occurs to me, though, the one thing I have left in my life is that which I would give up all else for — the ability to create Inclupedia. And with that, I go to sleep to rise tomorrow to work on Inclupedia.
 * 22
 * 2
 * 2
 * I came to the conclusion that I'm waiting on shit that's not going to happen. No one is going to tell me the words that would heal me. Nor am I going to kill myself. I can wait forever and those things will not happen. It's why I broke off those friendships, partly — even they weren't giving me the healing words. In fact, they were making it worse, by denying I should have anything to be healed of. So, I will remain unhealed, and the best I can hope for is that no one will make it worse. ¶Marc too is waiting for stuff that won't happen. The members will never arise and say, "Yes, let's be really diligent Congressional District chairs." There is no reason to believe there's a prospect of that coming to pass, so the only thing to do is work around what won't happen. The funny thing is, the reason why no one will tell me the healing words is that they wouldn't want those words to be held against them later, since everything is recorded these days. My mom did say she thought it was bullshit that I did those 10 months this last time around. In a way, no matter what, healing would be impossible because I can't take back the words that I said on 7 December 2012. There's just nothing I can do about that. I was weak. So, now what? All I can do is move on and work around it. I can't even have an honest conversation with people. Maybe I can ask my sister about it later, and see what she thinks. ¶But this is fundamentally an unfree society, in some ways. There was just no way to win in that 7 December situation. If I'd gone down as a martyr, maybe I'd have felt a different kind of pain. I dunno. Alyah might not even want to talk about it. At this point, people probably don't even want to talk about what happened. Ugh. I think I can handle that of people I didn't know back then, but of the people I did know? That's fucked up. But whatever, I cut ties to a couple people now. ¶I'm sure this day will suck, but it holds out the promise that if I do some very boring work on MirrorTools and its associated bots, I might feel better about myself at the end, and maybe have a little optimism. It beats just waiting around a few decades for death, with my quality of life steadily deteriorating. Maybe it will deteriorate anyway, but if I make some progress, there's at least the illusion that I might have some glory days first. ¶What's cool is that when you get in that meritocratic groove, you don't really care anymore about anything else. Temptation to use Facebook doesn't even arise; you say, "Why would I want to do something like that?" You don't have to resist temptation or summon willpower; you just want to do what you're supposed to. It would seem that the project Marc gave me pretty much fucked me up in the head for some reason, even though it wasn't all that hard of an assignment. I guess it just seemed hard. ¶Sometimes I think, "I can't do this!" Then I consider my alternatives (or lack thereof) and think, "Even if I can't do it, I have to do it." Well, I ran out of steam quickly on that one. Ugh, it looks like it's going to be ugly. I'll need to manufacture a continue where none exists. And then disregard the one that I already did, when I pick up. ¶Actually, if you scratch that Facebook itch too often, the marginal utility drops below zero and you start to actually feel worse for having done it. ¶People think I'm an idiot, because of my charges and so on, but I haven't failed definitively at everything. To do that, I would have to try definitively at everything. So let me do that, and then if I fail, then I can consider myself a definitive failure, and act accordingly. ¶Why did it have to be that all the fight is gone out of me now? Why couldn't that have happened years ago, before I went to prison? Then I wouldn't have gone to prison. Arrgh. Why didn't anyone tell me about pentobarbital? Why was it only this time around that I created SuicideWiki? Why didn't that occur to me before? It would have made life easier. I almost want to spread the Gospel of Pentobarbital everywhere. Really, it should be the first priority. ¶I was just thinking, I make this big deal about what people think of me, but in reality, the 7 December transcript will vanish into obscurity if I vanish into obscurity. Nobody wants to talk about that transcript; we are, after all, in Phase I, and probably will remain in Phase I for the rest of my life. Also, even the pedo community rejects me, and it's not clear that I'll ever gain their acceptance. So where does that leave me? It leaves me with a transcript that nobody cares about one way or the other. Granted, some people heard me in court, but what does that amount to? You tell me. It's not like what they heard can ever go anywhere. We are, after all, still in Phase I. Nobody cares about the allocution in these cases; all they care about are the newspaper headlines, and I didn't make any for this violation. Dramatica isn't even going to write an article about me, so who is? Nobody, because nobody cares. I have no car, and I'm ineligible to vote until 2018 at the earliest, so I have no way of running for office. All of the Libertarian stuff I do is behind-the-scenes. I probably can't be 1CD chair until Juanita gets out of the way, and who knows when that will be, if ever. So where does that leave me? Be useful; that's all I can say. ¶Well, I made a modest amount of progress, and now my will to fight entropy is exhausted. ¶Caught a few z's, then woke up and realized, I still feel like I just ate a big bag of candy. This Gmail/Facebook stuff is killing me. I don't mind creating walls of text, but these other distractions are wreaking a lot of havoc. I've decided, in order to get rid of the, that I won't post links to my bliki anywhere. It's gotten way too personal at this point. Sometimes I think I'm getting scurvy. There's no grape juice or anything around here. Okay, fortunately there was an orange. Anyway, I'm sure I'll spend a lot of time on Gmail and Facebook once the day's work is done — in fact, way too much time.
 * 23
 * 2
 * 2
 * God help me, I'm actually going to finish this revision portion of mirrorpullbot before I do anything else. I may not work full-time, but in every cycle of awakeness, I seek to accomplish at least one thing that works. I talked to Abd. I was impressed that he read the transcript; most people won't. But his interpretation is the usual one. He's just not all that much of a libertarian, when it comes down to it. And the people who are libertarians worry about their association with me because of what it might do to the movement. So really, I'm totally isolated, in most respects. What else is new? As Bob Briordy pointed out, even in a crowd it's possible to be lonely. There's a lot of stuff I'd do differently if I had to do it over. I don't think I would have created ChildWiki under my real name. What I should have done was create separate identities for Wikipedia, ChildWiki, etc. and not connected any of them to my real life identity. But there were a lot of people (Tyciol, etc.) who got caught up in that sweep because they weren't paranoid enough. I'm debating whether I should drop Rob as a friend. He's at the same prison as Drake... hmm. I guess I'll see how it plays out. The situation could get awkward. I probably should have just dropped him without saying anything, as most people do. But that's just not my way. Really, if I was going to drop him at any time, it should have been right when I got out of prison. I should have made it clear at that time that I wasn't going to have any further contact with him. But that wasn't my way either. I wanted to be different than the friends who abandoned me. I sure did change my attitude after getting out this last time. I'm sure Rob has a lot more insightful tidbits, but what's the point; how are we going to get out of Phase I? I'm really not sure. ¶I'm dreading PorcFest somewhat. Maybe I should just stay home and watch soccer. The World Cup is a pretty good excuse to stay home. I could just wait till Drake gets transferred to Milan before communicating further with Rob; I'm not sure. Really, this suicidal shit is a lose-lose situation all around. If you tell, you lose; if you don't tell, you lose. It's like child sexual assault. Life sucks, in a lot of respects. I wonder how many times I've typed that in my life, or even in this log. You know, those Petersburg guys are being watched anyway, so they have to engage in a lot of self-censorship; maybe it would be better to just abandon all communication with them, and give up. Anything they say can be used against them. I'm sure Rob is on their radar screen at this point. Certainly I'm on their shit list. Really, I don't need to consult with any other pedo/CL activists; I can just run ChildWiki all by myself, and post whatever thoughts come to mind there. ¶I think I should cut myself off socially more and more, and just start talking to myself. I mean really, why not? What do I have to lose at this point? Everything's censored anyway. Anyway, I did at least get the -qrev thing working on the pullbot. I was thinking, I probably didn't need Nate S. for anything after Culpeper; really, I didn't even need him for the herbage, because who needs herbage? It's an illegal drug. ¶In the age of the Internet, who needs any particular person all that much, especially if the nature of the situation is such that it's more cumbersome to deal with the person than with others? ¶Okay, well, I've cut off communication with all prisoners, so I was able to retire my prisoner ideas lists. This coffee is killing my stomach; I'm going to have to limit my intake, or at least start recording it, beginning tomorrow. Man, I am really not looking forward to starting today's work. But it must be done, right after I finish this coffee and related/resultant activities. Okay, that's done. Now it's time to program. First rule of programming: You can talk to yourself as much as you want, and create as big a wall of text as you want. Second rule of programming: Hacks and forks are okay! If you do hack, put a // Leucosticte comment on everything you change. Anyway, this pushbot stuff is going to suck, I'm just saying. The reason is that I'll need to work with the MediaWiki codebase. Ugh! ¶I guess I just didn't have the stamina needed to be a good friend to those guys for very long. Either that, or I felt like I'd adequately paid forward the stuff that Pete Eyre and others did for me. I'm just going to start openly talking to myself. I'm glad I always have you, Nathan, as someone I can count on. This reminds me of 8th grade, when I used to walk through the halls just blatantly communicating with myself in my head, because there was no one else. My attitude is so fucked up in some respects that I'll probably always be alone, but I can handle that! Back then, I couldn't, but now I'm equipped to do it. ¶At this point, I might as well dispense with the fuckin' paragraph marks and just go to two carriage returns, or whatever the fuck they're called, for paragraph breaks. These walls of text are pointless; it's as though I were trying to pretend that these daily log entries will be short or something. They won't be. ¶I've also decided to extend the shield of ROT13 protection over the whole thing. Really, I should do that over the whole website, but I haven't researched how that's done. I think I tried once, and it didn't work out well. ¶So, now that I've created a cozy space with just me and me, what now? This is like something out of Garfield Minus Garfield, really. That cartoon kinda sums up my life. I suppose that later I can always convert to or from the paragraph marks, so it's no big deal. Well, back to work, I guess, unless you have more to say, Nathan. ¶Okay, that got silly quick. My favorite part of programming: documentation! Because it's fuckin' easy.
 * 24
 * 2
 * 2
 * Anyway, I was just thinking: those times when it's like pulling teeth trying to get myself to do any work, I should probably record as a 2.5. Right now is more of a 2.0. Maybe even a 1.75, but I'll say 2.0. Anyway, I've been thinking that I should just push myself a little harder and get this pushbot done before I go to sleep. I love sleep, but this shit's gotta get done. At this point, sleep is a reward I'll gladly accept for my work. I want more coffee, but I can't seem to have it. That is, my stomach won't let me. Well, I think I just hit a wall anyway. I need to get some sleep, and resume this tomorrow. ¶Okay, the new day has dawned. I read a few of Chris Zoukis' articles, and posted a few comments to his blog. Then I defriended him. I just need to really focus at this point. Oh yeah, I forgot to record my coffee consumption. Well, time to ramp down from maximum excitement to the level of humdrum dreariness (or at least moderation) that is typical of programming. ¶Well, here I encounter one of the difficulties of being in debt, which is that at the prime of my workday, I have to walk to the bank to put money in to pay my bills. Fortunately, I'm knocking out both bills at once. Well, I got a letter from Rob so now the ignoring begins. I need to cut all ties to old world of Nathan. I am always nascent; I am forever the New Nathan, constantly reinventing myself. I am a free spirit, in a way! Let the record show that earlier, I was in more of a 1.75 mood than anything. ¶I feel tempted to send Rob a copy of FANL. I guess here it begins: the regret. Arrgh. But that's always the way. I just have to remember, there were reasons why I cut ties. Anyway, these guys will be convicted felons when they get out; I must remember that. Not only that, they're CP "offenders"! It was this same way with Nathan S., Tony F., etc. but there were reasons I got rid of them. ¶Anyway, I sent him FANL, figuring that I can cut myself some slack today, 24 February 2014.
 * 25
 * 2
 * 2
 * Let me say this: if I'm breaking off important friendships in order to work on Inclupedia, then I damn sure am not going to waste time on Facebook. Any time you're thinking of going on Facebook, think of those unopened letters and what might be in them and what might have been going through the mind of the person who wrote them. I act the way I act partly (in the case of Drake) out of self-respect, or to preserve self-respect; and partly (in the case of them all) because my love for Inclupedia is greater than my love for them. But Facebook is not worth the sacrifice (on my part and their part). Sometimes I think that I spend so much time thinking about them now that I haven't really saved any time by ditching them. But on the other hand, what do I really have to feel guilty about? It's the government that fucks them over. If I have to feel guilty about anything, it's for not following Thoreauvian principles. ¶I thought to myself a moment ago, "What am I to think of all this?" as these thoughts of prisoners swirl around in my head. And I decided, "I mustn't let the few takes precedence over the many." But it's so much easier to have faith in the immediate rather than the distant. I can help a few prisoners in the here and now; Inclupedia is the there and later. Life sure isn't easy, and being compassionate can make it even more difficult in a world that is not very compassionate. Why do prisoners not have any kind of phone book, for instance? It would be trivial to give them access to a DVD-ROM with that information. It could be put on TRULINCS. ¶I used to complain, when I was a prisoner, Why can't these people on the outside do just a little? The problem is, there is no "just a little." You either do everything or you do nothing. No matter what I did, I was going to feel bad. If I continued writing to these guys, I would have felt bad for neglecting Inclupedia. Now that I'm working on Inclupedia, I feel bad for neglecting these guys. There really is no way to win, for those who feel sharp pangs of compassion. I'm getting tired, so I'm going to knock off work now. One good thing about religion was that I could just say, "God, I know that I fucked this person over, but if it's in your will, please make sure this person ends up okay." Then my guilt went away, or at least my worry did. ¶Once again, I've failed to take into account my true nature, or to understand it or be able to accurately predict how I'd feel about events later. You can't just suddenly cut off ties and think nothing will happen. Well, let's see how I feel in weeks or months. Can I stop caring? Back then, I was always fighting against the uphill tide. Now what? ¶What I hate about prison is that you really are in there with them. Maybe I should just think of all that stuff that happened as just one big sunk cost. That's the most logical way of looking at it, after all. They have no reason to worry about me; I am, after all, on the outside. Just complete your mission, and then worry about that other stuff. Complete your mission, and then return and say "What's up." At that point, they can either take it or leave it. Or don't say "What's up." After all, they're going to be on supervised release anyway. It pretty much kills the whole friendship thing. Really, I and the computer are one; it supplies a certain amount of logic, and I have to supply the rest, along with some creativity. And hopefully I solve the puzzle of how to bring about freedom (and happiness). I was about to say, reduction/elimination/minimization of suffering/unhappiness. Unhappiness can encompass many things, including anxiety. That's going to be a tough one, I guess, although certainly a lot of stress that used to exist has been eliminated. ¶If Inclupedia fails, though, I'll feel pretty silly about this whole thing. What can I say? If I fail, then I'll devote myself wholeheartedly to libertarianism. Really, this whole thing is like an experiment in guilt and regret, like so many others before it. ¶I'm really borderline antisexual at this point, having read articles like boywiki:Mick Moran of Interpol and Pro-active Pedo Policing. The desire for sex and drugs pushes people in the direction of activity that others make illegal, which makes the catching of a bunch of people in the snare inevitable. I'm almost pro-death when I read that stuff, really. Mental note, whenever someone say, "We may need to reconsider this relationship," that means the relationship is on shaky ground. ¶Well, now it's time to buy some self-esteem with my labor on MirrorPuxxBot and ApiMirrorEditPage. It's a steep price, but I guess I have to pay it.
 * 26
 * 2
 * 2
 * Another lesson to learn from this: When you hear someone saying, "I broke off my friendship with that person," you could be next, even if they say you won't. So, today I did not earn my self-esteem, but my conscience did bother me a little bit less, although I did wake up in the morning feeling guilty or at least regretful. ¶Ah, woke up after a very good night's sleep, and feel very refreshed. The guilt is subsiding more and more all the time. Apathy! How pleasant it can be. Interesting that Reckless Noise Symphony said that I was very active on the Internet; while I do spend a lot of time on the Internet, I only go to a few low-profile websites, for the most part — and usually I go to low-profile parts of those low-profile websites. If anything I do becomes high-profile, it's usually because people needlessly threw a fit over it. Man, no coffee today! That's terrible. It's one of the few pleasures I still allow myself. I didn't see any tea either. Well, at least this way I won't be running to the bathroom all the time. ¶I can already feel the symptoms of unproductivity. The sense of "I can't do this" and such. Well, we'll see! Commented out a whole bunch of shit earlier, then just typed it back in without realizing I was duplicated work I'd already done. This is part of the problem of taking these long breaks. It's one of the few times when I think, "Damn! I can never get that time back." One thing about prisoners is that you can leave them behind and never look back; you can mostly forget about them, because you have plausible deniability as to what's going through their heads. If they write you 50 times, then you can assume that there's a lot going through their heads concerning you, but in most cases they won't. They have limited means of getting hold of you. As far as you know, they're doing fine, and you can just pretend that's the case. I just realized, I have way more work cut out for me than I'd realized earlier. I need to write a pullbot that will get all the revisions for a particular Wikipedia page and put those in the rcq table; then they can be pushed to Inclupedia. Either that, or I need to modify ApiBase::getTitleOrPageId. Really, I need to create a version that doesn't die if it's not there, but just opts to create a new page instead. There will be a lot of issues involved here; but really it boils down to just keep making the changes and running the pushbot. I have a couple choices. I can either try to do this tonight, or say "fuck it" and do it tomorrow. It's too fucking early to sleep, so I guess I'm stuck working. ¶Yeah, I feel much better now. I think I underestimated the power of masturbation to make other frustrations of life seem like not such a big deal, or not so insurmountable. When you have sexual frustration and technological frustration to deal with, it can seem overwhelming.
 * 27
 * 2
 * 2
 * I'm feeling mildly bored. Wow, it's almost the end of February, and I see it's not a leap year. I think of my prime as right after I wake up, but maybe times like this are my prime, when I've already put on the Internet all the non-wiki ideas I was thinking of. Hmm, it's tough because when my mind is most sharp, it's also coming up with the most ideas to write about, so I get distracted from code. It seems like I'm getting tired now, and my mind is not as sharp. I guess it's about time to knock off work. TODO for tomorrow: Find the proper function to load the page from ID if possible, or otherwise create a new page. For inspiration, scope out the WikiPage function for editing pages and see if it has anything that would be useful for this. Or grab your notebook and write down the possibilities that exist now, e.g. for title and page ID and how they're handled by ApiEditPage, and how you can adapt them to suit your purposes. You just have a different flowchart/decision tree; the question is how to convert that old flowchart to the new one without reinventing the wheel. ¶I'm somewhat pleased with this new schedule I've adopted; it's working out pretty well. I'm not really meeting the quota of self-esteem manufacture that I'd like, but I'm at least getting somewhere. I think I had more guilt before I made my recent decision than I do now. Anyway, tomorrow should be pretty good, unless something fucked-up happens. I probably just need to read ApiEditPage and get a good grasp of how it works, if that's possible. ¶I am so fucking badass that I can get through this work with no music, but I'm going to play it anyway. I can see that I need to quit reading The Fountainhead during the day, since that gets me in a mode of writing a lot. I'll save that for after work. That coffee's a little too strong, almost; my heart is complaining. Anyhoo, yeah, this work is boring but I'll apply myself. I need another word that isn't "meh" but is like a .... I'm not sure what. "Meh" is like a "fuck this"; what I'm looking for is a "Okay, I'll do this, but I'd prefer it already be done, because the fun part is later." For some reason "ner" came to mind. Fuck that, though.
 * 28
 * 2
 * 2
 * I'm deferring some pretty difficult work in getTitleOrPageId for moving page histories. That's definitely some work to do when I feel freshly rested. I kinda wasted those hours today. I wonder at this point if I've made my definitive statement to Chris and won't feel the need to add more. Hmm. It's a tricky situation. E.g., I thought I'd said that all that I needed to say, and then added 1984 as the counter-point, and wrote that explanatory letter. Hmm, indeed. It could go on forever. So I guess I just have to pick an arbitrary stopping-point. I also added more by writing that letter to Wheatley. Hmm. Something to ponder. But prisoners are pretty used to people not responding. Anyway, I didn't earn my quota of self-esteem yesterday either. Writing just doesn't cut it, although sometimes it has to be done. It's time now to turn to some stuff I can better focus on, which may be my old notes if necessary. Anyway, internalAttemptSave just leads back to doEditContent, which I think I already knew, but just rediscovered. My brain is proceeding at a snail's pace with that stuff at the moment, so I might as well quit and try to resume tomorrow. ¶Caught a few z's, but it wasn't enough (only a few hours). I'm going to wait till my hair dries, then go back to sleep. The range isn't working (must be too cold), so I can't cook some peas; that kinda sucks.
 * }-->
 * 2
 * God help me, I'm actually going to finish this revision portion of mirrorpullbot before I do anything else. I may not work full-time, but in every cycle of awakeness, I seek to accomplish at least one thing that works. I talked to Abd. I was impressed that he read the transcript; most people won't. But his interpretation is the usual one. He's just not all that much of a libertarian, when it comes down to it. And the people who are libertarians worry about their association with me because of what it might do to the movement. So really, I'm totally isolated, in most respects. What else is new? As Bob Briordy pointed out, even in a crowd it's possible to be lonely. There's a lot of stuff I'd do differently if I had to do it over. I don't think I would have created ChildWiki under my real name. What I should have done was create separate identities for Wikipedia, ChildWiki, etc. and not connected any of them to my real life identity. But there were a lot of people (Tyciol, etc.) who got caught up in that sweep because they weren't paranoid enough. I'm debating whether I should drop Rob as a friend. He's at the same prison as Drake... hmm. I guess I'll see how it plays out. The situation could get awkward. I probably should have just dropped him without saying anything, as most people do. But that's just not my way. Really, if I was going to drop him at any time, it should have been right when I got out of prison. I should have made it clear at that time that I wasn't going to have any further contact with him. But that wasn't my way either. I wanted to be different than the friends who abandoned me. I sure did change my attitude after getting out this last time. I'm sure Rob has a lot more insightful tidbits, but what's the point; how are we going to get out of Phase I? I'm really not sure. ¶I'm dreading PorcFest somewhat. Maybe I should just stay home and watch soccer. The World Cup is a pretty good excuse to stay home. I could just wait till Drake gets transferred to Milan before communicating further with Rob; I'm not sure. Really, this suicidal shit is a lose-lose situation all around. If you tell, you lose; if you don't tell, you lose. It's like child sexual assault. Life sucks, in a lot of respects. I wonder how many times I've typed that in my life, or even in this log. You know, those Petersburg guys are being watched anyway, so they have to engage in a lot of self-censorship; maybe it would be better to just abandon all communication with them, and give up. Anything they say can be used against them. I'm sure Rob is on their radar screen at this point. Certainly I'm on their shit list. Really, I don't need to consult with any other pedo/CL activists; I can just run ChildWiki all by myself, and post whatever thoughts come to mind there. ¶I think I should cut myself off socially more and more, and just start talking to myself. I mean really, why not? What do I have to lose at this point? Everything's censored anyway. Anyway, I did at least get the -qrev thing working on the pullbot. I was thinking, I probably didn't need Nate S. for anything after Culpeper; really, I didn't even need him for the herbage, because who needs herbage? It's an illegal drug. ¶In the age of the Internet, who needs any particular person all that much, especially if the nature of the situation is such that it's more cumbersome to deal with the person than with others? ¶Okay, well, I've cut off communication with all prisoners, so I was able to retire my prisoner ideas lists. This coffee is killing my stomach; I'm going to have to limit my intake, or at least start recording it, beginning tomorrow. Man, I am really not looking forward to starting today's work. But it must be done, right after I finish this coffee and related/resultant activities. Okay, that's done. Now it's time to program. First rule of programming: You can talk to yourself as much as you want, and create as big a wall of text as you want. Second rule of programming: Hacks and forks are okay! If you do hack, put a // Leucosticte comment on everything you change. Anyway, this pushbot stuff is going to suck, I'm just saying. The reason is that I'll need to work with the MediaWiki codebase. Ugh! ¶I guess I just didn't have the stamina needed to be a good friend to those guys for very long. Either that, or I felt like I'd adequately paid forward the stuff that Pete Eyre and others did for me. I'm just going to start openly talking to myself. I'm glad I always have you, Nathan, as someone I can count on. This reminds me of 8th grade, when I used to walk through the halls just blatantly communicating with myself in my head, because there was no one else. My attitude is so fucked up in some respects that I'll probably always be alone, but I can handle that! Back then, I couldn't, but now I'm equipped to do it. ¶At this point, I might as well dispense with the fuckin' paragraph marks and just go to two carriage returns, or whatever the fuck they're called, for paragraph breaks. These walls of text are pointless; it's as though I were trying to pretend that these daily log entries will be short or something. They won't be. ¶I've also decided to extend the shield of ROT13 protection over the whole thing. Really, I should do that over the whole website, but I haven't researched how that's done. I think I tried once, and it didn't work out well. ¶So, now that I've created a cozy space with just me and me, what now? This is like something out of Garfield Minus Garfield, really. That cartoon kinda sums up my life. I suppose that later I can always convert to or from the paragraph marks, so it's no big deal. Well, back to work, I guess, unless you have more to say, Nathan. ¶Okay, that got silly quick. My favorite part of programming: documentation! Because it's fuckin' easy.
 * 24
 * 2
 * 2
 * Anyway, I was just thinking: those times when it's like pulling teeth trying to get myself to do any work, I should probably record as a 2.5. Right now is more of a 2.0. Maybe even a 1.75, but I'll say 2.0. Anyway, I've been thinking that I should just push myself a little harder and get this pushbot done before I go to sleep. I love sleep, but this shit's gotta get done. At this point, sleep is a reward I'll gladly accept for my work. I want more coffee, but I can't seem to have it. That is, my stomach won't let me. Well, I think I just hit a wall anyway. I need to get some sleep, and resume this tomorrow. ¶Okay, the new day has dawned. I read a few of Chris Zoukis' articles, and posted a few comments to his blog. Then I defriended him. I just need to really focus at this point. Oh yeah, I forgot to record my coffee consumption. Well, time to ramp down from maximum excitement to the level of humdrum dreariness (or at least moderation) that is typical of programming. ¶Well, here I encounter one of the difficulties of being in debt, which is that at the prime of my workday, I have to walk to the bank to put money in to pay my bills. Fortunately, I'm knocking out both bills at once. Well, I got a letter from Rob so now the ignoring begins. I need to cut all ties to old world of Nathan. I am always nascent; I am forever the New Nathan, constantly reinventing myself. I am a free spirit, in a way! Let the record show that earlier, I was in more of a 1.75 mood than anything. ¶I feel tempted to send Rob a copy of FANL. I guess here it begins: the regret. Arrgh. But that's always the way. I just have to remember, there were reasons why I cut ties. Anyway, these guys will be convicted felons when they get out; I must remember that. Not only that, they're CP "offenders"! It was this same way with Nathan S., Tony F., etc. but there were reasons I got rid of them. ¶Anyway, I sent him FANL, figuring that I can cut myself some slack today, 24 February 2014.
 * 25
 * 2
 * 2
 * Let me say this: if I'm breaking off important friendships in order to work on Inclupedia, then I damn sure am not going to waste time on Facebook. Any time you're thinking of going on Facebook, think of those unopened letters and what might be in them and what might have been going through the mind of the person who wrote them. I act the way I act partly (in the case of Drake) out of self-respect, or to preserve self-respect; and partly (in the case of them all) because my love for Inclupedia is greater than my love for them. But Facebook is not worth the sacrifice (on my part and their part). Sometimes I think that I spend so much time thinking about them now that I haven't really saved any time by ditching them. But on the other hand, what do I really have to feel guilty about? It's the government that fucks them over. If I have to feel guilty about anything, it's for not following Thoreauvian principles. ¶I thought to myself a moment ago, "What am I to think of all this?" as these thoughts of prisoners swirl around in my head. And I decided, "I mustn't let the few takes precedence over the many." But it's so much easier to have faith in the immediate rather than the distant. I can help a few prisoners in the here and now; Inclupedia is the there and later. Life sure isn't easy, and being compassionate can make it even more difficult in a world that is not very compassionate. Why do prisoners not have any kind of phone book, for instance? It would be trivial to give them access to a DVD-ROM with that information. It could be put on TRULINCS. ¶I used to complain, when I was a prisoner, Why can't these people on the outside do just a little? The problem is, there is no "just a little." You either do everything or you do nothing. No matter what I did, I was going to feel bad. If I continued writing to these guys, I would have felt bad for neglecting Inclupedia. Now that I'm working on Inclupedia, I feel bad for neglecting these guys. There really is no way to win, for those who feel sharp pangs of compassion. I'm getting tired, so I'm going to knock off work now. One good thing about religion was that I could just say, "God, I know that I fucked this person over, but if it's in your will, please make sure this person ends up okay." Then my guilt went away, or at least my worry did. ¶Once again, I've failed to take into account my true nature, or to understand it or be able to accurately predict how I'd feel about events later. You can't just suddenly cut off ties and think nothing will happen. Well, let's see how I feel in weeks or months. Can I stop caring? Back then, I was always fighting against the uphill tide. Now what? ¶What I hate about prison is that you really are in there with them. Maybe I should just think of all that stuff that happened as just one big sunk cost. That's the most logical way of looking at it, after all. They have no reason to worry about me; I am, after all, on the outside. Just complete your mission, and then worry about that other stuff. Complete your mission, and then return and say "What's up." At that point, they can either take it or leave it. Or don't say "What's up." After all, they're going to be on supervised release anyway. It pretty much kills the whole friendship thing. Really, I and the computer are one; it supplies a certain amount of logic, and I have to supply the rest, along with some creativity. And hopefully I solve the puzzle of how to bring about freedom (and happiness). I was about to say, reduction/elimination/minimization of suffering/unhappiness. Unhappiness can encompass many things, including anxiety. That's going to be a tough one, I guess, although certainly a lot of stress that used to exist has been eliminated. ¶If Inclupedia fails, though, I'll feel pretty silly about this whole thing. What can I say? If I fail, then I'll devote myself wholeheartedly to libertarianism. Really, this whole thing is like an experiment in guilt and regret, like so many others before it. ¶I'm really borderline antisexual at this point, having read articles like boywiki:Mick Moran of Interpol and Pro-active Pedo Policing. The desire for sex and drugs pushes people in the direction of activity that others make illegal, which makes the catching of a bunch of people in the snare inevitable. I'm almost pro-death when I read that stuff, really. Mental note, whenever someone say, "We may need to reconsider this relationship," that means the relationship is on shaky ground. ¶Well, now it's time to buy some self-esteem with my labor on MirrorPuxxBot and ApiMirrorEditPage. It's a steep price, but I guess I have to pay it.
 * 26
 * 2
 * 2
 * Another lesson to learn from this: When you hear someone saying, "I broke off my friendship with that person," you could be next, even if they say you won't. So, today I did not earn my self-esteem, but my conscience did bother me a little bit less, although I did wake up in the morning feeling guilty or at least regretful. ¶Ah, woke up after a very good night's sleep, and feel very refreshed. The guilt is subsiding more and more all the time. Apathy! How pleasant it can be. Interesting that Reckless Noise Symphony said that I was very active on the Internet; while I do spend a lot of time on the Internet, I only go to a few low-profile websites, for the most part — and usually I go to low-profile parts of those low-profile websites. If anything I do becomes high-profile, it's usually because people needlessly threw a fit over it. Man, no coffee today! That's terrible. It's one of the few pleasures I still allow myself. I didn't see any tea either. Well, at least this way I won't be running to the bathroom all the time. ¶I can already feel the symptoms of unproductivity. The sense of "I can't do this" and such. Well, we'll see! Commented out a whole bunch of shit earlier, then just typed it back in without realizing I was duplicated work I'd already done. This is part of the problem of taking these long breaks. It's one of the few times when I think, "Damn! I can never get that time back." One thing about prisoners is that you can leave them behind and never look back; you can mostly forget about them, because you have plausible deniability as to what's going through their heads. If they write you 50 times, then you can assume that there's a lot going through their heads concerning you, but in most cases they won't. They have limited means of getting hold of you. As far as you know, they're doing fine, and you can just pretend that's the case. I just realized, I have way more work cut out for me than I'd realized earlier. I need to write a pullbot that will get all the revisions for a particular Wikipedia page and put those in the rcq table; then they can be pushed to Inclupedia. Either that, or I need to modify ApiBase::getTitleOrPageId. Really, I need to create a version that doesn't die if it's not there, but just opts to create a new page instead. There will be a lot of issues involved here; but really it boils down to just keep making the changes and running the pushbot. I have a couple choices. I can either try to do this tonight, or say "fuck it" and do it tomorrow. It's too fucking early to sleep, so I guess I'm stuck working. ¶Yeah, I feel much better now. I think I underestimated the power of masturbation to make other frustrations of life seem like not such a big deal, or not so insurmountable. When you have sexual frustration and technological frustration to deal with, it can seem overwhelming.
 * 27
 * 2
 * 2
 * I'm feeling mildly bored. Wow, it's almost the end of February, and I see it's not a leap year. I think of my prime as right after I wake up, but maybe times like this are my prime, when I've already put on the Internet all the non-wiki ideas I was thinking of. Hmm, it's tough because when my mind is most sharp, it's also coming up with the most ideas to write about, so I get distracted from code. It seems like I'm getting tired now, and my mind is not as sharp. I guess it's about time to knock off work. TODO for tomorrow: Find the proper function to load the page from ID if possible, or otherwise create a new page. For inspiration, scope out the WikiPage function for editing pages and see if it has anything that would be useful for this. Or grab your notebook and write down the possibilities that exist now, e.g. for title and page ID and how they're handled by ApiEditPage, and how you can adapt them to suit your purposes. You just have a different flowchart/decision tree; the question is how to convert that old flowchart to the new one without reinventing the wheel. ¶I'm somewhat pleased with this new schedule I've adopted; it's working out pretty well. I'm not really meeting the quota of self-esteem manufacture that I'd like, but I'm at least getting somewhere. I think I had more guilt before I made my recent decision than I do now. Anyway, tomorrow should be pretty good, unless something fucked-up happens. I probably just need to read ApiEditPage and get a good grasp of how it works, if that's possible. ¶I am so fucking badass that I can get through this work with no music, but I'm going to play it anyway. I can see that I need to quit reading The Fountainhead during the day, since that gets me in a mode of writing a lot. I'll save that for after work. That coffee's a little too strong, almost; my heart is complaining. Anyhoo, yeah, this work is boring but I'll apply myself. I need another word that isn't "meh" but is like a .... I'm not sure what. "Meh" is like a "fuck this"; what I'm looking for is a "Okay, I'll do this, but I'd prefer it already be done, because the fun part is later." For some reason "ner" came to mind. Fuck that, though.
 * 28
 * 2
 * 2
 * I'm deferring some pretty difficult work in getTitleOrPageId for moving page histories. That's definitely some work to do when I feel freshly rested. I kinda wasted those hours today. I wonder at this point if I've made my definitive statement to Chris and won't feel the need to add more. Hmm. It's a tricky situation. E.g., I thought I'd said that all that I needed to say, and then added 1984 as the counter-point, and wrote that explanatory letter. Hmm, indeed. It could go on forever. So I guess I just have to pick an arbitrary stopping-point. I also added more by writing that letter to Wheatley. Hmm. Something to ponder. But prisoners are pretty used to people not responding. Anyway, I didn't earn my quota of self-esteem yesterday either. Writing just doesn't cut it, although sometimes it has to be done. It's time now to turn to some stuff I can better focus on, which may be my old notes if necessary. Anyway, internalAttemptSave just leads back to doEditContent, which I think I already knew, but just rediscovered. My brain is proceeding at a snail's pace with that stuff at the moment, so I might as well quit and try to resume tomorrow. ¶Caught a few z's, but it wasn't enough (only a few hours). I'm going to wait till my hair dries, then go back to sleep. The range isn't working (must be too cold), so I can't cook some peas; that kinda sucks.
 * }-->
 * 28
 * 2
 * 2
 * I'm deferring some pretty difficult work in getTitleOrPageId for moving page histories. That's definitely some work to do when I feel freshly rested. I kinda wasted those hours today. I wonder at this point if I've made my definitive statement to Chris and won't feel the need to add more. Hmm. It's a tricky situation. E.g., I thought I'd said that all that I needed to say, and then added 1984 as the counter-point, and wrote that explanatory letter. Hmm, indeed. It could go on forever. So I guess I just have to pick an arbitrary stopping-point. I also added more by writing that letter to Wheatley. Hmm. Something to ponder. But prisoners are pretty used to people not responding. Anyway, I didn't earn my quota of self-esteem yesterday either. Writing just doesn't cut it, although sometimes it has to be done. It's time now to turn to some stuff I can better focus on, which may be my old notes if necessary. Anyway, internalAttemptSave just leads back to doEditContent, which I think I already knew, but just rediscovered. My brain is proceeding at a snail's pace with that stuff at the moment, so I might as well quit and try to resume tomorrow. ¶Caught a few z's, but it wasn't enough (only a few hours). I'm going to wait till my hair dries, then go back to sleep. The range isn't working (must be too cold), so I can't cook some peas; that kinda sucks.
 * }-->
 * }-->

March
<!--{|class="wikitable" !rowspan = "2" | Date !colspan = "2" | Mode !rowspan = "2" | Notes !Low !High
 * 1
 * 3
 * 3
 * Kinda hungover or something today. But it's Barrel Oak Wine, which is almost incapable of causing a hangover of the usual kind. It's too expensive for that. I am thinking of programming but I don't really feel in the mood, so I guess this is more of a 3 than a 2. Not that I'm depressed or anything. Far from it. It's more like I just woke up with kind of a happy feeling. ¶Okay, got some more sleep, but it just made me feel worse. However, an apple and some apple juice revived me. So, I guess I've figured out how to deal with these prisoners: just make sure that I do my work first. Note to self: Don't post to Susan's wall anymore! Unless you're super-sure you have something really cool, and not even then. Sometimes I feel like Scotty in the "I'm a fucking idiot" scene of Boogie Nights.
 * 2
 * 2
 * 2
 * Just trying to read The Fountainhead now. ¶There's a butt-ton of stuff I need to do after work today, such as create those Facebook groups and migrate everything from Mises Wiki to Libertapedia. It's probably time to breathe some new life into Libertapedia. I don't see that Bastiat Wiki is really the way to go; what would be the point? We would be in the same position as before. Hmm, except we'd have Jeff Tucker on our side. I also need to figure out what Marc was wanting me to do with the database. I had this really complicated train of thought a moment ago that led to a depressing conclusion, and I thought, "It's just so sad. I don't think I can even handle it. It makes me want to give up. I don't think I can function for the rest of the day, it's so overwhelming." Then I thought to myself, "What was I was just thinking, that made me sad? I can't even remember now. Within a few seconds, I totally lost that train of thought. Well, I guess I better get back to work, since I no longer have an excuse to do otherwise, unless I can remember what it was." What is happening to my memory lately? I guess I was right all along; I need to do this User shit before anything else. Okay, so abandon qrev for the time being. Go back to working on qus.
 * 3
 * 2
 * 2
 * Interestingly, one of the things that demoralizes me the most, no one else cares about or holds against me. Specifically, my speech to the court. Not even the radicals do. But even though it wasn't unethical for me to say that stuff, wasn't it bad in another way? I mean, what was the point of those 46 months if it was all going to boil down to my getting up and saying that stuff? There's nobody I can talk to about it. I was just thinking, what is my schedule here? I also realize, it will take me at least three months to pay down my credit cards, and that would be if I devoted all my money to that purpose. Okay, I set a goal that I'll pay it off by, let's say, the first of July.
 * 4
 * 2
 * 2
 * I just took a look at this article. 15,463 characters removed. Sad. ¶I guess tonight I will ask my dreams for their opinions concerning my life and my direction. I was about to say, "I don't care about their opinions" but I might as well give this a shot. Included in that is a question about suicide. I wonder if it is okay to ask about that much stuff. Maybe I should break it up and ask one tonight and one the day after. But the two subjects are intertwined, so I guess it's okay. My question is, "Should I kill myself, and if not, what should I do?" The options available are known to my subconscious. ¶Of course, I reserve the right to ignore what my subconscious mind says. ¶Well, the subconscious had little or nothing to say, it seems.
 * 5
 * 2.5
 * 2.5
 * Today just isn't starting out well. That shit on meta was ridiculous. But what do you do. I wish I'd known about pentobarbital back in 2010 and 2012. What more can I say?
 * 6
 * 2.5
 * 3
 * Oh yeah, I totally forgot to write a log entry. Normally I don't do that.
 * 7
 * 2
 * 2
 * Going to sleep. ¶Awoke a little later, feeling kinda wracked by guilt over the Drake incident, due to my own imperfections and how I'd want to be treated. The only way to dispel this is to get to work. I was tempted to take everything down, and then I thought, "What would be the point? All that stuff is true." I do recognize that the friendship had to end, and that in a way it was his fault. Inclupedia is probably impossible for me to develop, but I'm going to attempt the impossible, because I have nothing better to do, and introspection hurts. I've got some determination going on. This is almost a 1.75! ¶Man, how many times have I accidentally put a -5 or whatever inside a strlen, instead of after it? It's ridiculous. ¶Those people who say I should kill myself: why don't they do it? They could, if they wanted, take a gun and blow several holes in me, and leave me in a pool of blood. Then they could go before a jury and say that I deserved it because I was a pedophile sympathizer. Why not? ¶Why merely ban me? Why not take your ideas to their logical conclusion? Another way of saying "Inclupedia über alles" would be "The impossible takes priority." Well, it's time to sleep now. When I wake up, it'll be time to run update.php on Test29. My appointment book somehow/somewhere went AWOL, so I'll just note here that Thursday, 13 March 2014, I have a Google Hangout appointment. ¶Man, do I regret not just staying in the SHU the whole time I was at Petersburg. Sometimes disobedience is the best course of action. Had I done that, I would have gotten through my supervised release mostly without incident, and that would have been the end of it. I wouldn't have had to deal with paruresis issues and the other problems I encountered there (getting burglarized, etc.) I wouldn't have met Drake, Terry or any of those other people. I should have just taken those extra three months right on the chin, and saved myself the ten months, for a net benefit of seven months.
 * 8
 * 2
 * 2
 * I've been bothering with entries less and less lately. However, usually just when I say I don't need them anymore, I go into a depression.
 * 9
 * 2
 * 2
 * Writing a maintenance script. I've been thinking, ChildWiki's OpenEdit status needs to be defended. I will rise to the challenge. Wow, Rocky is a freakin' depressing movie.
 * 10
 * 2
 * 2
 * I was thinking, it's happened a gajillion times that there have been people I had to not be friends with anymore for some dumb reason or another. Before, it was the cult. Now, it's this Drake thing. I should be used to it by now. ¶The stuff that's been going on at WikiIndex has been ridiculous. Abd definitely causes a lot of problems. He's the quintessential concern troll.
 * 11
 * 2
 * 2
 * Here we see the difference between Inclupedia programming and other kinds. I will stay up to finish a different extension; I'll go to sleep to escape working on this one.
 * 12
 * 2
 * 2
 * I guess that I'm increasingly losing interest in this log.
 * 13
 * 2.5
 * 2.5
 * Feeling pretty demoralized over what happened at Meta. What can I do, though. I can say, "I'm going to sit around and do nothing until I get over this." That's basically what I did for a few months after this last prison stint. I don't feel upset enough over it to shoot myself in the head, so the only thing I can do is either get back to work or wait until I feel like getting back to work, unless I want to go around airing my grievances in various places. I recently wrote to someone, "I think if my mom were to say, 'Nathan, let's kill ourselves. You and me will die together' then I might do it. That might be enough of a push that I'd be capable of it. But I'm not sure." I told my mom about that and she said the thought had crossed her mind recently. I told her that with my luck, by the time she gets in a mood to kill herself, I won't feel like doing it. The only other person I might accept as a suicide partner would be someone I really respected — but I'm not sure who that would be.
 * 14
 * 2
 * 3
 * Just another day. Writing to and about Cathy Reisenwitz and her posts. I'm not really feeling motivated to do much.
 * 15
 * 2
 * 3.5
 * Yet another day of not feeling motivated to do much. I was thinking, maybe I should go ahead and kill myself this coming Wednesday. Watch, Wednesday will come and go and I'll still be here. However, it would make all the sense in the world. I am kinda alone, when it comes down to it. I'm not a part of any CL activist community. Being isolated blows. I'm also just not sure this world meets my standards. Yeah, I could improve my situation, but it would be easier to just kill myself. If I do that, then evolution marches forward.
 * 16
 * 2
 * 3.5
 * I think it would make sense to kill myself, but I don't think I'll do it Wednesday. I'm not sure when I should, though. ¶Probably whenever I can get hold of some liquor. Maybe some rum and cider. I might get some vodka and orange juice as a backup, although lemonade might go down better. I'll have to think about it. Maybe something with grape juice? Anyway, I could go shopping with my dad and then kill myself a few days before my mom gets back. I notice there are a bunch of mixed drinks here. ¶I was just thinking, the story of me and Inclupedia (especially the latter) is the saddest story that the world will never hear. The potential of Inclupedia was so great, and yet it's not to be, apparently.
 * 17
 * 3
 * 4
 * I think we're seeing now the triumph of logic over emotion. So, here we have evidence that I will indeed fall into a suicidal depression every once in awhile. Now I just need to get to an ABC store and get some liquor — probably a few different kinds, so that I have some options. I'll need to plan out my shopping list. Anyway, my hope is that by the time I get to the store, I'll still be in Fourland. Otherwise, I might have to wait another couple months or something. It seems to happen at least once a season, though. Let's see, the last time I was in this state of mind was 14 January. Yup, about every two months, it looks like. ¶I keep forgetting, maybe a gin and tonic would be good!
 * 18
 * 2
 * 3
 * I dunno whether to call it a 2 or a 3 that was the best mood of the day, but whatever. I did get sidetracked by other stuff. I keep thinking I want to ask Erin, Why not just repeat the procedure used to find Matt?
 * 19
 * 2
 * 3
 * Well anyway, back to the grind, I guess. I was just thinking, there really is no one person I can respect and idealize/idolize, once I get to know the person better. So, all I can do to create a composite person by taking attributes of a bunch of different people. ¶Today I ripped myself away from the computer and said, "Let me lie down and ponder suicide." I think I did that for about 15-30 minutes, then w/o, got up, and went back to the computer to program. So it is possible to get that enthusiasm or whatever back in the middle of the day. Anyway, I decided, I could just put myself in time-out when I get overstimulated, and come back out when I'm ready to program.
 * 20
 * 2
 * 2
 * Anyway, it occurred to me, why was it that when I was about to be sentenced, I was unwilling to say anything that would increase my sentence? It was because it wasn't in my nature to choose that option, especially without social support, or any indication that my actions would do any good. If they were to put me up there and say, "You have two choices: (1) do as you're doing now, and sit around idly consuming, and eventually end up working some dead-end job alongside the shiny happies, or (less likely) sit around on disability feeling miserable and accomplishing little; or (2) create Inclupedia," which would you choose? Probably the second option. That being the case, why would I choose the first option day after day? It's only because it seems less final. But the result is final all the same, in the end. If I wouldn't choose it all at once, why would I choose it day by day? ¶Here's an interesting question. Why should what I said in court bother me so much, while what I did to Emily bother me so little? I think it's because I invested a lot more resources into the court stuff. It occurs to me that there are two times that I wish I had just shut up in the courtroom. The first was when I withdrew my objection. The second was when I gave that allocution on 7 December 2012, of course. I would almost say that today is a 1.75 because by this point, the standards have become very inflated.
 * 21
 * 2
 * 2
 * Feeling sick today, and having trouble concentrating. Wish I had some chicken soup or something. I might have to resort to some decaf tea. Next thing to do is get recentchanges to work properly, given the data. Anyway, I stayed at least somewhat on track today, and made a few changes.
 * 22
 * 2
 * 2
 * Spent most of the day writing and scoping out child protection policies on various wikis. Wow, I accomplished ridiculously little, but at least I know where I left off. Tomorrow: recent changes! Figure out why it's not doing what it's supposed to, as far as rc_id is concerned.
 * 23
 * 2
 * 2
 * I could've gotten work done, but didn't. The celebration of life kinda got in the way.
 * 24
 * 2
 * 2
 * Probably should go back to sleep and get a few hours more rest. But whatever; I'll just program instead.
 * 25
 * 2
 * 2
 * Fuckin' wrong number woke me up. Serves me right; I've done that shit to other people.
 * 26
 * 2
 * 2
 * Mom's here. Yeah, really not looking forward to programming, but it is what it is.
 * 27
 * 2
 * 2
 * At the L2 festival.
 * 28
 * 2
 * 2
 * At the L2 festival.
 * 29
 * 2
 * 2
 * At the L2 festival.
 * 30
 * 2
 * 2
 * Kinda waiting around for Augustine now, and writing a lot of emails to her and about her, etc. The suspense is killing me.
 * 31
 * 2
 * 2
 * Still waiting for Augustine.
 * }-->
 * 26
 * 2
 * 2
 * Mom's here. Yeah, really not looking forward to programming, but it is what it is.
 * 27
 * 2
 * 2
 * At the L2 festival.
 * 28
 * 2
 * 2
 * At the L2 festival.
 * 29
 * 2
 * 2
 * At the L2 festival.
 * 30
 * 2
 * 2
 * Kinda waiting around for Augustine now, and writing a lot of emails to her and about her, etc. The suspense is killing me.
 * 31
 * 2
 * 2
 * Still waiting for Augustine.
 * }-->
 * 31
 * 2
 * 2
 * Still waiting for Augustine.
 * }-->
 * }-->
 * }-->

April
<!--{|class="wikitable" !rowspan = "2" | Date !colspan = "2" | Mode !rowspan = "2" | Notes !Low !High
 * 1
 * 2
 * 2
 * Still waiting for Augustine.
 * 2
 * 2
 * 2
 * Still waiting for Augustine. Yesterday's conversation with dad got delayed because my mom and I weren't ready to present our proposal. Hopefully it will happen today.
 * 3
 * 2
 * 2
 * So, Augustine is coming now.
 * 4
 * 2
 * 2
 * Every my love and respect for Augustine grows.
 * 5
 * 2
 * 2
 * Augustine again...
 * 6
 * 2
 * 2
 * Augustine again, and Augustine always. What an amazing girl. My life just keeps getting better. I have to take back some doubts and ambivalence I had earlier; every day I get more certain that I'm on the right path...
 * 7
 * 2
 * 2
 * Augustine again.
 * 8
 * 2
 * 2
 * Augustine again.
 * 9
 * 2
 * 2
 * Augustine again.
 * 10
 * 2
 * 2
 * Augustine again.
 * 11
 * 2
 * 2
 * Augustine again. Working on these photo albums, getting pretty frustrated with them. Learning a few lessons, though.
 * 12
 * 2
 * 2
 * Augustine again.
 * 13
 * 2
 * 2
 * Augustine again.
 * 14
 * 2
 * 2
 * Augustine again. Glorious day getting high, taking a walk, taking a shower with candles and a fan, watching Future Diary, etc.
 * 15
 * 2
 * 2
 * Augustine again. Tried to get the marriage license, but ran into bureaucratic snags.
 * 16
 * 2
 * 2
 * Progress made today: (1) learnt the downsides of misusing soap; and in an unrelated matter, (2) discovered an amazing new experience that can be repeated at will. Looking forward to it. Gained new respect and appreciation for what I have, and further reinforced my already unshakeable confidence that I'm making the right decision.
 * 17
 * 2
 * 2
 * Got high and then set up the computers.
 * 18
 * 2
 * 2
 * Didn't get high, but did help August set up, and we sold my car.
 * 19
 * 2
 * 2
 * Spent more time with Augustine.
 * 20
 * 2
 * 2
 * Spent more time with Augustine. Wrote to Chris. August took this day off from Inclumedia as a mental health day because of the stuff that had been going on with Jazz and her family.
 * 21
 * 2
 * 2
 * Spent more time with Augustine. Got the drivers license and marriage license. Left these two items plus August's birth certificate and social security card, two $100 savings bonds, and several hundred dollars in cash, at Subway (where we'd gotten two The Feast footlongs). Went back and retrieved everything. Four fighters
 * 22
 * 2
 * 2
 * Showed August the MirrorBot stuff. Tomorrow need to decide whether to use ApiBot or Pywikibot.
 * 23
 * 1.5
 * 1.5
 * Got married today and had great sex. Augustine got drunk and then said that it wasn't a good time to tell her anything because she wouldn't retain it. Debugged mw:Extension:EmailAllChanges; it was harder than expected.
 * 24
 * 2
 * 2
 * Played around with pywikibot, decided we'll stick with Chris G's botclasses
 * 25
 * 2
 * 2
 * Roller coaster of a day... we ended up not doing any work. I'm coming to terms with the fact that life is pretty rough and that it might not be our cup of tea. What does the future hold for us? Some pretty arduous work on Inclupedia, and persecution for a reward, to some extent. And maybe some kids, but we can't raise them in all the ways we'd like, or more specifically, do all the things we'd like with them.
 * 26
 * 2
 * 2
 * Taking another look at the bots. Trying to figure out what's the most recent version. I can't remember what the fuck I was doing. August is sleeping, which gives me some time to try to figure out what was going on, before she gets out here and ends up idly surfing the Internet while waiting for me to get the software ready for her to work on. There's no guarantee she'll even be up for working on it, given the cramps, etc. Which means I'm in pretty much the same situation I was in before we got started, viz., working alone, perhaps. I guess there's no avoiding it. ¶Okay, I remember what was going on now. I need to change this bot to go line-by-line through the queue, in the correct order, handling log events, revisions, etc. as they appear rather than doing one kind of event or revision at a time. Went to the store for munchies for the hackathon.
 * 27
 * 2
 * 2
 * Went to August's relatives. She heard some bad news.
 * 28
 * 2
 * 2
 * I find myself feeling more and more confident and secure in the future, and happy that I put faith and trust in Augustine, the easiest woman to get along with I know (or at least that I've encountered in a romantic relationship)... On a day-to-day basis, this marriage is usually full of peaceful euphoria, and life is good.
 * 29
 * 2
 * 2
 * Another good day with August, except that at the end she had to go away to New York.
 * 30
 * 2
 * 2
 * Waiting for August's return.
 * }-->
 * 25
 * 2
 * 2
 * Roller coaster of a day... we ended up not doing any work. I'm coming to terms with the fact that life is pretty rough and that it might not be our cup of tea. What does the future hold for us? Some pretty arduous work on Inclupedia, and persecution for a reward, to some extent. And maybe some kids, but we can't raise them in all the ways we'd like, or more specifically, do all the things we'd like with them.
 * 26
 * 2
 * 2
 * Taking another look at the bots. Trying to figure out what's the most recent version. I can't remember what the fuck I was doing. August is sleeping, which gives me some time to try to figure out what was going on, before she gets out here and ends up idly surfing the Internet while waiting for me to get the software ready for her to work on. There's no guarantee she'll even be up for working on it, given the cramps, etc. Which means I'm in pretty much the same situation I was in before we got started, viz., working alone, perhaps. I guess there's no avoiding it. ¶Okay, I remember what was going on now. I need to change this bot to go line-by-line through the queue, in the correct order, handling log events, revisions, etc. as they appear rather than doing one kind of event or revision at a time. Went to the store for munchies for the hackathon.
 * 27
 * 2
 * 2
 * Went to August's relatives. She heard some bad news.
 * 28
 * 2
 * 2
 * I find myself feeling more and more confident and secure in the future, and happy that I put faith and trust in Augustine, the easiest woman to get along with I know (or at least that I've encountered in a romantic relationship)... On a day-to-day basis, this marriage is usually full of peaceful euphoria, and life is good.
 * 29
 * 2
 * 2
 * Another good day with August, except that at the end she had to go away to New York.
 * 30
 * 2
 * 2
 * Waiting for August's return.
 * }-->
 * 30
 * 2
 * 2
 * Waiting for August's return.
 * }-->
 * }-->

June
Didn't keep a log this month.